My one day vacation

Mangrums invited the kids and I to go to the water slides yesterday. I felt torn about leaving Bobby, but decided that it would be good for me to spend one day focused on just having fun with the kids. And fun was had! Carson perhaps the most, since he isn't even pictured here... I rarely saw him as he quickly went from one slide to another. Brooklyn and Seth had a great time too, and it was so helpful to have cousins that they love with them to play with. Kaymbria was a little overwhelmed and did NOT want to go down any slides. She was happy to be held on my hip while I carried Seth's mat up several flights of stairs to the top of the slide, got him situated, then walked her back down to meet him at the bottom. We did that several times yesterday, and after a while I didn't feel so bad about missing the 3 classes that I usually teach on Monday. I was exhausted!

As we drove home I was anxious to get back to Bobby. He has been on a downhill slope for the last week or so, needing round the clock narcotics. He is at the point now where his voice is strained, and he can only speak about one sentence before gagging, thanks to the swelling, pain, and inflammation in his mouth and throat. The pain is worse now than it has ever been. His big success each day is when he can swish prescription mouthwash in his mouth without gagging or vomiting. Yet, through it all, he never complains. I anticipate that the worst is yet to come with our last chemo in two days. With our family reunion happening this week also, I am glad the kids will have loads of cousins and aunts and uncles to keep them totally happy and busy... maybe they won't even notice just how bad it gets.

The countdown has just begun!

Only 2 weeks left! Bobby spends a lot of his time like this... asleep. He has great intentions some days of mowing the lawn, or helping me with things around the house, or even something as simple as taking a shower, but usually, he just ends up asleep wherever he happens to sit down. And truthfully, I'm glad. If he can sleep through this terrible time, that's just fine with me. The kids and I try to just let life go on while his life stands still. There are some moments that I feel totally alone, but they quickly pass. I think of the love and support offered by so many. Whether it be through meals brought in, cards sent, hugs, phone calls, words of encouragement, prayers, etc. I (and Bobby) know that we can get through this.

So now begins the countdown. With only two weeks left of treatment, his side effects worsen a little each day. He vomited for the first time last night, and after I finished scrubbing up the mess he became a little bit emotional and thanked me for helping. I suppose he doesn't realize that doing things like that are really not drudgery for me... I truly believe that service to others yields a small sacrifice on my part, but in that sacrifice comes a deeper love... and I wouldn't trade that for anything.

Superman!

This morning Bobby shared something with me that was so amusing I just had to share it here as well. As I was getting ready to leave and teach class Bobby came into our room and said "Good news!" Great! I thought. We need some good news! He then proceeded to tell me about a conversation he had just had with *James* (whose name I have changed... you know, to protect the innocent, or something like that!). It went something like this:



"Hi Bobby, How are you feeling today?" asks James. "Ok" Bobby replies. "Is your throat hurting really bad?" asks James. "Yeah, it hurts a little more everyday, but that just means the radiation is working" says Bobby. "But it's killing the cells, right?" asks James. "Yeah, it's killing the cancer cells, but a lot of the good ones too." After a brief pause James says "Wouldn't it be cool to have super human powers?" Bobby chuckles a bit and says yes, that would be cool. Then James tells him "You have about a one in twenty chance of getting super powers from the radiation." Even more amused now, Bobby says, "Oh, really?" Then James says "Yes, but it has to be from gamma radiation."



We got a good laugh, and then speculated on what kind of super powers he would have after he was done with treatment. You know, one in twenty is pretty good odds!! My vote was for superman. After all, he pretty much IS superman to me already. But if he could take me flying all around the world some night, that would just be the icing on the cake!

Radiation #17- the half way day!

First, Bobby lays on the table and puts on the wrist straps. These pull his shoulders down and keeps tension there so he stays completely still. I think I was told that this is also a protective measure as well to keep as much out of the field of x-ray as possible.

Next, Bobby's new friend Clarence puts on his shield and locks it into place.

The technicians then begin to align the machine as precisely as they can with the markings on his shield.

Lastly, we all leave the room and he begins his treatment. In less than 10 minutes he's finished with the machine that's worth more than 2 million dollars, and the following day he gets to do it all again. I am so grateful for the state-of-the-art technology available to us. He's officially half way done with his treatment, and he says that the lump is smaller now than when he first felt it shaving several months ago. Both of his doctors recently commented on how well he is doing at this stage of treatment. Things are in no way easy for us right now, but we both realize that it could be so much worse. Thank you for your prayers and thoughts. It means more to us than you will ever know!

Chemotherapy #2

Thursday, July 9 was Bobby's second chemo infusion. We were there for about 5 hours, and everything went well. He slept for a brief time, but mostly we talked while we had so much time to ourselves. An amazing thing has happened to him... he has been very introspective since receiving the diagnosis, and has a completely different outlook on life now. I guess when death stares you in the face it can be life changing in so many ways. He actually told me Thursday night that he is so grateful to have cancer. He now views this disease as a huge blessing in his life. I hope that when he is well someday he will take the time to share with you his thoughts. His perspective is wonderfully positive and hopeful for a bright future, and I'm certain that is helping him endure the terrible side effects. Where once, not long ago he was depressed and despairing, I find him now saying "I can't wait until I'm better so we can..."

My friend, the feeding tube

Bobby lost another 5 pounds, so we are very grateful to have the tube in place. I asked our doctor how many calories a day he should be getting, and was shocked when he said between 3-4 thousand! I guess his body is working so hard to handle the chemo and radiation that the more we can get in, the better. Eating on his own has mostly ended, so we are primarily using the tube. At first we did the "feedings" privately because I wasn't sure how the kids would respond to it. But as the frequency has greatly increased, they are totally aware now. Kaymbria always wants to help feed her daddy. She loves it! It it a little like having a newborn baby... round the clock "feedings" every couple of hours. I'm glad to do it, though, because I know that this is something I can do to help lessen the severity of his side effects, and hopefully speed his recovery. So each morning I put out 8-10 cans of "formula" and then watch the clock to remember when it's time to feed (since unlike a newborn, he doesn't cry to remind me). At least I don't have to burp him when we're done and then change a diaper!

Poison and lasers

Many have asked how the kids are doing through all of this. I decided to start with my boys, because that is a more simple answer (I'll tackle the girls some other time). Carson and Seth have very different personalities, sort of like night and day. But surprisingly, they are both "coping" with Bobby's illness very well so far. We told them about everything the night before Bobby had his first surgery. Tears were shed, prayers were offered, they went to bed peacefully.

A few nights later I was in their room with them at bedtime, and after Seth said his prayer I thanked him for remembering Daddy in his prayers. Carson heard me, and immediately said "I am praying for Dad every night too!" I thanked him too, and told the boys that praying would help so much- not only Bobby, but it would help them too when they felt sad, or scared, or worried.

They both immediately started asking me questions about cancer, and his treatment. It didn't take long for me to realize that this is a tough thing for kids to understand. Especially when their dad felt great UNTIL he started having surgery and treatments- the very things that are supposed to make him BETTER. As simply as I could, I explained that chemotherapy is a very powerful kind of medicine that attacks the bad cancer cells. The cancer cells have to be killed off so they don't continue to grow and spread and cause more problems. When they wondered why he gets so sick I told them that the chemotherapy is sort of like poison for the cells. It kills the cancer cells, but it also kills a lot of his good, healthy cells too. With further explanation they both decided that it was pretty cool that Bobby's "good" cells can grow back, but the "bad cancer" cells won't. Radiation was interesting to explain too. I told them that it is a highly powerful x-ray beam that can focus directly on the spot where the cancer is and help kill it too. One of them asked if it was like lasers from Star Wars... well, sure, I guess? Then they both started talking about laser beams and offered their opinions on how cool that was- Dad's cancer is being zapped by powerful beams Star Wars style. May the force be with you!

Since then life has gone on for them as usual, and they continue to pray for him daily. We are trying hard to maintain "normalcy" for the kids as much as possible. They are wonderful boys whom we adore, and I'm so glad that they are still finding and enjoying the simple pleasures of summer.

Some things never change...

...like Bobby's need to make me laugh. Despite his current situation, he seems to still find a way to get a laugh here and there to lighten things up. Here he is after his second (and hopefully last) surgery. I have found it amusing to listen to him while he is coming out of the fog of anesthesia. Both times he has asked me over and over what the doctor found, and what time it is. But I got a good laugh when he looked at me and said "I think I'll go play basketball tonight...right after I take your Zumba class."

For my next example I have to jump back to Mother's Day. Bobby did a great job of making me feel loved and appreciated that day. He had a beautiful bouquet of flowers, my favorite kind of Sees candy (there's just one that I prefer, and he got me a full box of them!), and then sent me shopping the next day all by myself to buy something new to wear to church. Then he announced that he had one more Mother's Day gift to give me, but I wouldn't get it until July. His last gift to me was that he was going to lose 10 pounds. Why? You may ask? Well, we discovered some time ago (when he lost weight) that he no longer snored, and I tell ya, it was GREAT! Over time the weight came back, and so did the snoring. I thought it was a very thoughtful gift to give me. He knows that I am frequently awakened during the night by the kids, and decided that he wasn't going to add to my sleeplessness any longer. So before anyone thinks I'm a vain, heartless wife, please know that it was all about the snoring! I absolutely adore him, no matter how much he weighs! Ok, fast forward to the end of May... we are both down about his diagnosis... we are gathering as much information from our doctors as we can... we both worry, cry, stress, etc. about the side effects that we are told he will endure. Then, out of nowhere he looks at me and says "See, I told you I'd lose ten pounds by July!"

Guess what? He lost them in June! So, that was the reason for the surgery on Tuesday. He had a feeding tube put in. Our oncologist urged us to do this to prevent too much weight loss and to help keep him hydrated. Over and over Dr. Eldaly has said that keeping him hydrated and nourished is crucial to the severity of side effects, and to his recovery. As his treatments have progressed, eating has become more difficult, and with the tube in place we hope to avoid unnecessary pain and discomfort as he continues on. I must admit- I am slightly (well completely) grossed out by the thing. As I "feed" him I just think to myself "I can't believe I'm feeding my husband through a tube!" It just doesn't seem right. But I know that I will get over this feeling soon. I will quickly get back to the "let's just do what we have to do" mentality that I have adopted over the last month.

Since the surgery was just two days ago, he is finding relief with the pain medication. He has had a couple of bouts of terrible pain, but they subsided rather quickly, and he just quietly endures. He is saddened by the "loss" of his summer, a time when we usually go camping, on vacation, enjoy the fresh fruit off our trees, swimming, and just having more time together as a family. These simple things that we so often take for granted are giving us a keen awareness now. We are just in the early stages of this fight, but I already have a new, changed perspective on life. I hope that someday soon I will be able to share Bobby's new perspective with you. He's not there yet, but I know that he will be, and it will be worth the wait.