Day 1 of treatment

June 18, 2009 was the big day. The night before was kind of tough... neither one of us slept much with many thoughts and emotions running through our minds. But, Thursday morning we set off to see Dr. Eldaly and get started. Up until that morning, all of our appointments had been in the afternoon, and it always seemed that we were the only patients there. A couple times I thought to myself "I think we are the only ones in this town with cancer!" since we never saw any other patients. Well, that all changed when we arrived Thursday morning. The waiting room was full. We immediately noticed two lovely women whose hair was gone, another who was without a leg. We sat quietly. I tried to chit chat with Bobby... no luck. After a few minutes he turned to me and asked "Is it kind of warm in here?" It seemed like forever, but we finally got called back, Bobby had his blood drawn, and then we waited for the doctor. When he arrived he talked with us a bit, answered our questions, and then took us to the chemotherapy room. We were greeted by some wonderful nurses and were given a private room.

They started the infusion, and after a while Bobby felt like eating, so I went and got him some lunch. In our nearly 15 years of marriage, I can say that we've never had a lunch date like that before! We were ready to go home after about 5 hours, then followed up with his first radiation treatment.

That evening I sifted through the loads of anti-nausea medication and Bobby rested. Besides feeling fatigued and a little sore from his surgery, he was doing fine. Since he seemed to be doing well, I packed a bag at midnight and decided to go to my niece's wedding the next morning.

One of my favorite families in the world- The Rackhams. Welcome to the family Charles! It was great to see my family who lives on the wrong side of the country, and I look forward to seeing everyone again for the reunion this summer!


Unfortunately, while I was enjoying the wedding (rain and all), Bobby was having a reaction to one of his anti-nausea medications. Thankfully, Deb and Troy (another favorite family) stepped in and took care of the kids until I could get back Sunday night.


Each day since then has gotten a little better in some ways, and a little worse in others. He is now starting his second week of treatment, which includes radiation therapy Mon-Fri, and weekly blood tests and visits with his oncologist. The most noticeable side effect so far is his fatigue. Sometimes he says that his head feels "foggy" and that he is just wiped out with no energy. Eating has been difficult ever since the surgery, but as that has healed somewhat, the radiation has brought on other side effects that still make eating tough. This morning he was sitting at his plate of breakfast- eggs, toast with jam, juice, and just looked at it and said "I can't taste anything." Later when I asked him what he wanted for lunch he told me to make him whatever I wanted, because he wouldn't be able to taste it anyway. He is also starting to feel a bit of dry mouth, thanks again, to radiation. Deb brought him a case of gum from Costco yesterday in hopes that it might help a bit.


On a positive note, though, after one week of treatment, our oncologist examined him yesterday and said that he thinks the lymph node has reduced by about 25% already. It's working! It will be a long summer... but if it gets him well, then that's all that matters.

Just the facts

A brief history of how we got here...

• several months ago Bobby felt a small lump in his neck while shaving.
• after a few weeks he asks my dad about it. Dad prescribes an antibiotic that has no effect on the lump.
• Dad says "Go see a 'real' doctor."
• the "real" doctor puts him on a different antibiotic, does a chest x-ray, and blood work, which all show nothing.
• since the "real doctor" isn't concerned, we aren't either
• lump in neck is ignored/forgotten for the time being.
• A few months pass, our parents are over for dinner, Bobby turns his head and dad sees that the lump is bigger. He is alarmed and strongly urges us to schedule a fine needle biopsy.
• next morning I call and schedule appointment. The soonest they have is over a month away.
• My dad then calls and gets one scheduled for 2 days later.
• Fine needle biopsy is inconclusive.
• referred to another doctor who does a core biopsy (much larger sample).
• we leave the next day to go camping for Memorial Day weekend and try to ignore the sinking feeling that we are both consumed with.
• Tuesday, May 26 I call for the biopsy report and the doctor tells me it is positive for squamous cell carcinoma in the lymph node.
• We are immediately referred to oncology, radiation oncology, and ENT specialist. Since there are no naturally occurring squamous cells in the lymph nodes, they know the cancer started somewhere else, and they need to know where.
• CT and PET scans show nothing.
• Tonsillectomy is done June 8, and on June 12 the pathology report shows that the primary tumor WAS in the left tonsil.
• Good news- nasty cancerous tonsil is gone. Bad news- it had already spread to surrounding muscle tissue. It's more aggressive than originally thought.
• June 18 is Day 1 for cancer treatment. Chemotherapy and radiation begin.

A Fork in the Road

"Life is Good" as my sister, Trina, so often reminds us with her favorite T-shirts. I must agree... our life is good. We are the family that has always had a "normal" life. Day in and day out we go to school, work, piano, dance, basketball, t-ball, church, scouts. We laugh, love, and have fun. I have always been glad for our "normalcy" and have been happy to offer help to others who were having tough times. And times can be tough...really tough. Over the last few years our extended family has had their share of tough times. I have shed countless tears and offered fervent prayers for the difficulties that others have faced. I have tried to offer help, and have silently learned from other's adversity. But through it all, I have always been grateful- very grateful for the simple life that Bobby and I share.

"Ignorance is bliss" I've thought to myself many times this past month. We've been cruising along in our simple life, completely unaware of the life-changing diagnosis that was quietly invading... then on May 26, I got a phone call that changed everything. It's funny how one little word- cancer- can turn your life upside down. I'm sure I felt everything that many who have experienced this before have- how can this be? he feels fine! what's his prognosis? can he be cured? how do we tell the kids? how will we pay for this? why couldn't it have been me? where do we go from here? I can't eat, can't sleep. I love him even more when I am threatened with the thought of losing him.

Like many things in life, time is a great cure all. We've had our ups and downs since May 26, and expect to have many more as we begin this journey. Acceptance has come peacefully, and now we are ready to get this show on the road. After loads of tests, biopsies, scans, doctor visits, and one painful surgery, we are very close to getting started with chemotherapy and radiation. It's going to be tough, no doubt about it, but we are confident that everything will (eventually) be ok.

One of my dearest friends is an 8 year cancer survivor. The day after we got the diagnosis I called her, and after several minutes of me going on and on about it, she surprised me with her reply. I expected her to tell me how sorry she was, but she simply told me "You and Bobby are about to have some of the most wonderful experiences you will EVER have...you will feel Heavenly Father's love in ways that you never did before... you will know more than ever that He has a plan for you and your family." After we talked for a couple of hours I hung up feeling so much better. Thanks, Stacey. That call meant more than you'll ever know. I decided right then that I had a choice. Will I wallow in despair? Will I look for the blessings all around me? Will I try to learn from this?

A fork in the road... a point in your life where you are living life as you know it, and then suddenly you are forced to choose one way or the other. Some may disagree and say "You didn't choose cancer!" and that's very true. BUT- we will choose how cancer changes us. I have decided to make the best of it, to become stronger, better, more loving, more faithful, more focused on my Savior. That's not to say I'm not sad, scared, discouraged or overwhelmed at times. That is human nature, and I can't escape those feelings completely. But I can tell you a few things that I've already seen that have brought me to my knees in prayers of thanks- The help of my dad. Being the doctor that he is, he was the one who made us get serious about this seemingly harmless lump in his neck. If it weren't for him, we would still be "blissfully ignorant." Thanks, Dad, for saving his life. Thanks, Mom, for saving mine. Another blessing is the outpouring of love and help from extended family (and friends). It has been so comforting and wonderful to feel the love from so many of you. The timing of this is also a blessing. If we had found this out during the school year, Bobby would have most likely lost his job. Getting the diagnosis just 3 days before he was off for the summer is something else to be thankful for. Having tough talks with the kids has provided the opportunity to share our faith with them, to teach them more fully about Heavenly Father's plan, the atonement, and that our family can be forever. This will be a difficult time for them too, but I hope that they will also learn and become stronger because of it.

We have only taken the first few steps down this new road, but are hopeful. We are very pleased with our doctors so far. We have confidence in the wonderful medical technology available to us. We know we will get through this with their help, and yours.