Our big news for the week

First, Bobby had his PET scan on Monday. Then, on Thursday he had his feeding tube removed (good bye, my old friend!). The initial report on the PET scan is good news, showing a "nearly complete resolution" to the area. One of his doctors simply said "there is no activity in the area." Either way, we are breathing a little easier and are grateful for the good news. The plan is to repeat the scan in 2 months, continue to watch the size of the lymph node and hope that it reduces enough to the satisfaction of the doctors. If it doesn't, then we are off to Stanford for one last surgery.

So, we wait, and try to get on with life. It is time for us to discover what our new "normal" life will be. I know already that it will be better than before. We both have a deeper appreciation for each other, for different reasons, and we both have a deeper appreciation for our children, families, friends, co-workers, even acquaintances. A new perspective and value on life has been given to us, so I know that life as we know it will be better from here on out, even if that means more surgery, a recurrence, etc.

Bobby is doing his best to move on. He has been gradually tapering off his narcotics the last few weeks, and just went "cold turkey" a few days ago. He feels very weak, but the pain is subsiding quite a bit. His taste has returned to a degree, and the doctor yesterday said that he should notice a great improvement in his saliva function over the next few weeks. Lately, that is the most annoying thing for him to deal with. It is extremely difficult to eat and swallow food without saliva. We are back to using a humidifier at night to help with the dryness as well. He carries a water bottle around with him everywhere (thanks Allison, for your thoughtfulness on that!) He hopes to return to work on September 30. Right now, he is outside on the tractor mowing the lawn, something he hasn't done for months! Thank goodness for my dad and Larry, who have prevented the 3 acres from turning into a jungle!

Bobby's brother, Paul, recently came to visit. When I asked him if he liked Bobby's hair, he told me he didn't know what to think- was it a bad haircut, or was it from the treatments? Since I am the one who cuts his hair, I better clarify... the chemo thinned him out everywhere. The radiation gave him the bald spot behind his left ear, and the nearly bald spot across the back. The doctors say that in time, it should all grow back. If not, it's nothing a hat can't hide!

I must say, aside from his crazy hairline, he is looking pretty good! Many who have seen him lately comment on that. He isn't fitting the stereotypical cancer mold, I guess. If ever I am teasing, or kidding around with him about his cancer, he will correct me and say "you mean I had cancer" and emphasize the past tense. There are still difficult times, but for the most part things are looking up!

The glass is half full

Last night, for the first time in about 4 months, we sat down together, just the six of us, and had dinner together. Bobby dished up a plate of food just like the rest of us, and did his best to eat. I don't know if the kids even realized how significant it was for him to be sitting there with us, it was just another normal, rowdy, silly time for them. After the kids finished and disappeared to play or finish homework, I got up to go do dishes. Several minutes later Bobby was still at his plate, all alone, painfully trying to finish his food. A snowball of thoughts sort of hit me at that moment.

First, all the raw emotions came back, and I was nearly brought to tears by the pain and immense difficulty he has faced for so long. Can't he just be better now? When will this end? Something so simple as eating and sleeping are difficult chores for him. I know that I (and everyone else) don't even realize just how bad it's been for him... he simply endures quietly without complaining.

My thoughts then turned, however, in another direction, as they often do when I'm feeling down. I told myself that things could be so much worse. Right now at this moment, someone is dying in a tragic car accident. Right now, somewhere in the world, there are mothers despairing because their children are literally starving to death, and they are helpless to change their destitute situation. Right now, there are families in anguish over a terminally ill child, spouse, parent, friend. Right now, there are millions who are suffering from some form of physical, verbal, sexual abuse. Right now there are millions who live without freedoms and opportunities that we so frequently take for granted here.

The fact is, life isn't fair. It never will be. We will never know why some seem to pass through their mortal journey with one challenge after another, while others appear to have "their cake and eat it too." We all, at one time or another, pass through a refiners fire. It is up to us to decide- am I going to let the flames burn and consume me? Or will I come out of this more pure, stronger, changed. I am certain that if our attitudes are full of gratitude, we can pass through our trials and triumph over them. I am grateful for what my family has gone through for nearly 4 months. I will cherish always the things I have learned and the experiences we have had. And when I feel the weight of our trials beating me down once again, I will remember what Bobby recently said "The Lord is trying to bless us." The glass is half full...The glass is half full...The glass is half full...

Green jello makes me happy!

About a week or so ago Bobby said that he could maybe try to eat some jello. So I immediately walked over to my mom's house and stole a box from her pantry. I came home and quickly made it, put it in the fridge and was off to work. Several hours later I asked him how it was, and he hadn't even tried it yet. When I got home the next morning I saw a small bowl sitting on the kitchen counter with a spoon and jello remains at the bottom. Again, I asked him if he ate it, and when he told me "Yes, I got it down" I couldn't believe how emotional I got! Over jello! After about 2 months of never putting anything in his mouth (with the exception of his toothbrush) he was sipping water and eating green jello! Who cares if it was only about 3 tablespoons worth- he got it down! It hurt, it burned, but he did it. Since then he has braved Cream of Wheat and grits (both a post-tonsil surgery favorite), yogurt, and soup. Yesterday the soup he tried tasted like "how an ashtray would taste" in his words, but again, he ate it. His most dominant taste buds right now are salt, and everything just seems so overpowering and strong to him. Since he has started trying to eat food, the water is going down much better now too, so we are grateful for the slow, but steady progress.

This morning he did 25 push-ups with me, and has been dragging out his exercise bike a few days a week to slowly ride. His poor body has really been beaten down with the treatments, but I'm so proud of him for the effort he is making to overcome and move on. The pain he feels in his throat, ear, and at the site of his feeding tube are persistent, but, he endures and doesn't complain.