What I've learned

Ever since May 26 (the day I found out) I have prayed to know Heavenly Father’s will regarding this trial. I never questioned why this came to us, but did question Where do we go from here? and most importantly, What am I supposed to learn from this? I have prayed to recognize these things, and have prayed for the courage to accept His will, and move forward in faith, learning what I needed to learn.

Matthew 11:28-30 has always been a favorite scripture of mine, and with Bobby’s diagnosis, it seemed to immediately be in the forefront of my mind again. “Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”

I took this counsel to heart, and began to “learn of Him” through fervent scripture study and words of the prophets. I immersed myself in study and prayer, and feel that I was able to understand the atonement in a way that perhaps I hadn’t known before. Christ suffered for ALL of us, and for ALL of our sins. BUT, his suffering reaches far beyond the sinners- it reaches out to those who have been sinned against, those who are down trodden, lonely, sick, depressed, confused. No matter what our burdens may be, we can lay them at the feet of the Savior, and he will take them up. The price has been paid already! There is no need for extra suffering, for that is the very gift that our Savior gives to us- relief from the pain and suffering we experience in mortality. I prayerfully and tearfully laid my burdens at the feet of our Savior and experienced an almost immediate relief, comfort, peace.

That’s not to say that things have been a piece of cake since then, though. There are certainly ups and downs, and times when I am afraid, worried, sad, lonely. But this is human nature, and I cannot escape those feelings entirely. John 14:27 says “Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.” I have learned something of the relationship of faith and fear. When one is dominant, it causes the absence of the other. Faith and fear do not walk hand in hand- one will dispel the other. When I have been overcome with fear and worry, I have learned that I must exercise more faith. As I do, my fear subsides and I carry on. Moroni teaches “ye receive no witness until after the trial of your faith.” This trial of my faith has proven to be a priceless experience.

I have experienced over this summer a sort of separation from Bobby. I miss him, I miss talking with him, doing things with him. I miss how he plays and laughs with the kids. I miss so many things, big and small about him. I see him now more than I usually do, but there is still a distinct feeling of separation there. Our relationship is intact, but for a time, it is not available. These things have made me think of Heavenly Father and Jesus. Before we came to earth, we each had a real relationship with them. Entering into mortality caused a separation from them, but yet, I truly believe that the relationship is still intact, and just as I miss Bobby, I feel that they truly miss us too. I cannot travel through “the valley of the shadow of death” that Bobby journeys in now, all I can do is be waiting for him on the other side when he returns. Heavenly Father waits for me to return as well. I truly believe that He is anxious for that reunion.

I thought, also, of how I have had a newborn baby 4 times in my life. I experienced extreme pain and fatigue as I gave birth, and then cared for that newborn day in and day out. During those first several weeks of the baby’s life all I did was nurse, bathe, change, hold, and love with everything that I had, that precious child. But what did that baby give me in return? Nothing. Until about 6 weeks later, and one glorious moment, the baby gave me that first REAL smile. The smile that brings such joy, your heart wants to burst. The smile that seems to say, “Yes, I know you! I love you too!”

Do you suppose that whenever we recognize our Heavenly Father and Savior in even a small way they feel that joy too? I have decided that I can recognize their love and acknowledge them and give honor to them by doing the very things that they would do if they were (physically) here. I will try harder now to serve others, to love unconditionally, to lighten the load of others, to be obedient to the gospel and more committed to it, to learn of the Savior, and follow His example. This, I know, will bring me lasting joy, and hopefully joy to others as well.

The gospel of Jesus Christ means everything to me and is an anchor during the storm-tossed seas of life. I haven't learned everything I need to know- this I am sure of. But what I do know gives me hope. I have faith and hope and peace of mind knowing that everything will be ok. I fiercely want Bobby to be cured, BUT, if that is not Heavenly Father's will, then I still know everything will be ok. I truly believe that my family can be together forever, and this provides comfort beyond measure.